Parents’ Home Date

The popcorn’s made, it’s in a white plastic bowl
It’s a home date, he’s gotta keep it under control
He’s gotta show her he cares, but stay kinda cool
but she’s already changed into a suit for the pool
He picked out a movie, she wants to go swimmin’
She’s flirty like a lot of older attractive women
He wonders if he’s too square ‘n he’s not her style
But somethin’ sparks inside him when she smiles

Her parents are out of town, it’s the perfect chance
for her to see if this guy is up for a horizontal dance
He knows a gentleman would likely take a stance
that he should focus on love, not a fast romance

He says he cares for her, he wants to take it slow
She says she’s in love with him ‘n lets him know
She’s not gonna bite him, or hurt his eager heart
Yet it’s not like they promised ’til death do they part
and he says OK, he changed into his tight swimsuit
In the meantime, she references a bamboo flute
He’s nervous as hell, ’cause her game is on fleek
Her arms are around his neck ‘n she kisses his cheek

Her lips are crimson ‘n soft now as they’re kissing hard
They’re getting hot ‘n heavy, maybe going too far
She’s really excited, purrin’ like a sports car
Lickin’ his chest ‘n neck, like he’s her ice cream bar

It kinda scares him a little, she’s so forward ‘n fun
She’s really experienced, yet he’s the chosen one
She could be with anyone, she’s the foxy kind
‘n he’s telling himself inside she’s out of her mind
Then they hear a familiar car pull up in the drive
It’s the scariest moment he’s had in his teenage life
But he isn’t stopping ‘n neither will she
It’s over before they know it ‘n they’re home free

They opened the front door, he went out the back gate
They say she should come inside, it’s getting so late
He texts her a message, he’ll pick her up around eight
‘n she’s thinking she’s found her long-lasting soulmate

She’s thinking she’s found
her long-lasting soulmate
on their passionate,
not so innocent,
sexy, fun-filled,
secret parents’ home date

September 18, 2018

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Mama He’s Not Right

Well, I got off early from my dead end job
And I headed to my girl’s parents’ place
And they didn’t hear me let myself in
I heard her sister state her case

Saying,
Mama, he’s not right
Something’s wrong with that guy
I heard he gets drunk and high
Don’t you turn a blind eye
Don’t let her out of the house tonight
Mama he may be polite
But I’ve heard sis and him fight
His beater car is a pigsty
I think he only has a clip on tie
Ohhhh, Mama, he’s not right

So I quietly let myself out
And I went to the local pub
It was Thirsty Thursday
I was ready for beers n grub

Sure enough, there she was
My girl and some biker dude
She said “Oh he’s just a friend”
And “You’ve ruined my mood”

And I said
Baby, he’s not right
Something’s wrong with that guy
He’s already drunk and high
He’s givin’ me the stink eye
Don’t go home with him tonight
Baby, he don’t look polite
And he sure wants to fight
His home is likely a pigsty
He likely don’t own a tie
Ohhhh baby, he’s not right

Then I found myself in a big pickle
One that forever changed my life
I was gonna have to alter things
If I was gonna attract a potential wife

So she’d say
Mama, he’s just so right
He’s a bit flawed but good guy
He doesn’t get drunk or high
In fact he has an artistic eye
And she’d be home every night
We’d make up after each fight
Even if our place was a pigsty
And I had a few nice ties
I’m sick of them sayin’
That I ain’t right

I wanna be that good man
Whose wife is hugging tight
And when we’re under the sheets
We’d explode like fireworks & dynomite

And she’ll say
Mama, you’re wrong,
For me, he’s very, very right.

August 15, 2018

Set Me Up With You

You’ve tried to set me up with your friends
That didn’t go over with them so well
You kept thinkin’ one of them would like me
And none of them had fun with me or fell

So tonight, I’ve got a good hunch in my heart
Maybe you haven’t thought this through
Have you ever considered sweetheart,
they think you should set me up with you?

You should set me up with you
If you think I’m such a catch
We surely do get along
And I’m thinkin’ we’re a match
Before you go askin’ girlfriends
To go out with me cause I’m neat
Why don’t you set me up with you
And hey, I’ll even treat

We can take a drive over to the Pronto Pup
I’ll get you a burger, fries & shake
I could take you to the Starlite Drive In
Or we could go out swimming in Kelly Lake

There’s many places I’d like to take you to
There’s so much for us to do and see
If only you could realize I turned them down
So baby, you could set you up with me…

You should set me up with you
If you think I’m such a catch
We surely do get along
And I’m thinkin’ we’re a match
Before you go askin’ girlfriends
To go out with me cause I’m cool
Why don’t you set me up with you
Cause for you, I’m a lovesick fool

Why don’t you set me up with you, baby
For you, I’m such a lovesick fool
For you, I’m such a lovesick fool
For you, I’m such a lovesick fool

July 9, 2018

The Emigrant Gap Bandit

See, If you could step right into my shoes
You would know why I am this way
You would know my complete story
Why I’m in this Reno jailhouse today
If you could see what I’ve been through
If you could live where I was raised
If you could step right into my shoes
You wouldn’t be actin’ so amazed

I was born up in the Sierra mountains
In a cabin near a town called Emigrant Gap
At first I loved livin’ there in them woods
But then later I saw it was more of a trap

I did whatever I could to get a ticket there
At eighteen I jumped on a train leavin’town
I found work with a traveling carnival
From early Spring to Fall we’d move around

See, If you could step right into my shoes
You would know why I am this way
You would know my complete story
Why I’m in this Reno jailhouse today
If you could see what I’ve been through
If you could live where I was raised
If you could step right into my shoes
You wouldn’t be actin’ so amazed

A girl I fell for was the only daughter
Of the Ringmaster who had hired me
That day I laid my eyes on that sweel gal
She was the cutest I ever had seen

Her eyes were wide as her lips hit mine
She thought it was love at first sight
But I got scared and left her behind
Even though I knew it wasn’t right

Then I ended up in some rustic ol’ saloon
Got stuck where everyone drank and drank
The longer I stayed, the more lonely I was
And into depression, I fell & then sank

See, If you could step right into my shoes
You would know why I am this way
You would know my complete story
Why I’m in this old jailhouse today
If you could see what I’ve been through
If you could live where I was raised
If you could step right into my shoes
You wouldn’t be actin’ so amazed

I fell into a gang of highly skilled bandits
One day we came across a familiar tent
I realized where we were & looked for her
I always hoped I’d know where she went

Then I found her being raped by a man
I grabbed him off her then saw his eyes
He said “Boy what are you doin’ here?”
I got out my pistol which wasn’t so wise

Then I shot that Ringmaster in cold blood
The gang left me there to face my fate
And by the look in her eyes I quickly saw
My heroic deed came a few weeks late

See, If you could step right into my shoes
You would know why I am this way
You would know my complete story
Why I’m in this Reno jailhouse today
You would see I sure deserve to die
Even though my intentions were true
If you could step right into my shoes
You would then know what next I’ll do

You would then know what next I’ll do.

June 25, 2018

His Poor Hand

He was at a high stakes card game
Right above Drifters in Bloomington
From the looks of him you could say
He wasn’t having a lot of fun

He was losing his money faster than you
could call him an unlucky sumbitch
But this is how things changed so fast
How he won it all then strutted out rich

It was all in how he played his poor hand
It was all in how he played his poor hand
He confused them with his tell
Some would say he played it well
It was all ’cause he knew how to win
with his poor hand

He only had a few chips on the table
Looked at the others, n glanced at her
Then he flipped up his top card slowly
Asked more credit from the banker

He threw his whole savings into the pot
And his face had a smirk then a smile
All the players misread him and folded
They thought it wasn’t worth their while

Little did they know
He’d win it all by workin’ with his poor hand
He’d win it all by workin’ with his poor hand
He confused them with his tell
Some would say he played it well
When he won that high stakes game
with his poor hand

So now, when I play Blackjack in Reno
I don’t have to count cards or cheat
I just play the way my Daddy taught me
Above Drifters, he didn’t miss a beat

And it works better when I’m not drinkin’
When I’ve had a good steak dinner meal
It helps me lie well, cause they’re thinkin’
My confidence in my play is very real

Most of the time I win with a poor hand
Most of the time I win with a poor hand
I confuse them all with my tell
Those bad cards I play so well
Like Daddy once won that big stakes game
with his poor hand

Like back then
when Daddy won that high stakes game
Where he gained some local Fame
He also won the heart of that dame
with his poor hand

With his poor hand.

June 20, 2018

Ballad of Sugar Booger & Ellie Mae

She called him Sugar Booger
‘n he didn’t mind one bit
He wasn’t rich or very poor
He was heavier ‘n not so fit

They got along like best friends
Grew closer with each passing day
Yeah, she called him Sugar Booger
and her name was Ellie Mae

Ellie Mae had golden curly locks, ‘n
sweeter than German Chocolate Cake
She loved housework and lemonade
Stayed busy while she was awake
Sugar Booger drove a Chevy truck
he bought with cash in 1988
before he met dear sweet Ellie Mae
Before they combined their fate

Sugar Booger collected hats & lighters
and Ellie Mae loved to cook
If Ellie Mae wasn’t in the kitchen
She was likely reading a book

She loved romantic Southern Novels
and he watched Bonanza on TV
Whenever they were together
they were where they loved to be

Ellie Mae had golden curly locks n’
sweeter than Loganberry Pie
A typical country girl she was –
She told the truth & never lied
She was faithful to Sugar Booger
even when he was tempted to stray
There’s never been a love like theirs
Sugar Booger and Ellie Mae

They both came into some money
but they didn’t move far away
They liked their eleven-acre property
It was there they wanted to stay

But someone heard of their windfall
And one hot night in mid-July
Sugar Booger ‘n Ellie Mae were murdered
and they never caught that guy

Ellie Mae had golden curly locks ‘n
Sweeter than Loganberry Pie
A typical country girl she was
She told the truth and never lied
She was faithful to her Sugar Booger
Until they died side by side
When the news spread all over town
They all were scared and horrified

For their sweet Ellie Mae
and her dearest beloved, Sugar Booger
They cried and cried and cried….

June 18, 2018

Lyrics Notes: I just loved this popular nickname Southerners give their husbands and I knew I had to write something that included it. A small tale about a sweet country couple who didn’t deserve their grisly fate.

California Vacayday

We’ve looked forward to this
Just our children, you and me
Spending quality time together
In scenic Capitola-by-the-Sea

It’s a perfect California Vacayday
We went bodysurfin’ in the bay
It’s a perfect California Vacayday
It’s so great to be away
from the hustle and bustle
and our big city street
And eating gourmet tacos
filled with lobster meat
No worries, just leisurely play
On this perfect California Vacayday

Wind making our sand-dusted hair dance
and I’m gently holding your tanned hand
We’re rekindling and nurturing our romance
as we’re strolling together on the sand

Our kids are having so much fun
It’s been a complete and total blast
reflecting & joking with you, my dear
We’re in the moment, not stuck in the past

It’s a perfect California Vacayday
We went bodysurfin’ in the bay
It’s a perfect California Vacayday
It’s so great to be away
from the hustle and bustle
and our big city street
And eating gourmet tacos
filled with lobster meat
No worries, just leisurely play
On this perfect California Vacayday

With you, my life-long love
and our funny, darling children
on this perfect California Vacayday

On this perfect California Vacayday.

May 15, 2018