Maybe It’s Just My Boner

When I was younger than I am now
I’d get erections all the time
In classrooms and bathrooms
The feeling was very sublime

So it’s weird now that I’m older
‘Cause my dick doesn’t go up much these days
Even when I’m not attracted to the girl
it decides to go against my heart and raise

And as I dance real close
to a girl who I just met that night
I feel it slowly rising, she does too
Then I question if it’s really right

Maybe it’s love
or maybe it’s just my boner
playing tricks on me
Maybe it’s romance
or maybe it’s just my boner
on one big shopping spree
Maybe it’s telling me
she could be the one
but it also could just be implying
that it wants to be in her bun
I know I cannot ever be sure
Maybe it’s just my boner

Maybe it’s just my boner.

2003

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Sex Might Help

If you’re down on your luck
You just crashed your GMC truck
Yeah, then life might suck –
But sex might help

If someone special left you
And you don’t know what to do
Here’s a tip when you get blue
Hey, sex might help

Whether it’s tender
or a little rough
Or your partner
is sensitive or tough
It just might help your mood
in a Chevy on a back road
Sometimes all you need
is take a big ol’ creamy load
See, we need that dirty connection
Like we need fresh water and food

So if you need a helping hand
Girl, I’ll be there, I’ll be the man
Deep down I know you understand
Sex might help
You won’t find this advice on Yelp
Sex might help

Solo

Whether it’s tender
or a little rough
Or your partner
is sensitive or tough
It just might help your mood
in a Chevy on a back road
Sometimes all you need
is take in a big ol’ creamy load
See, we need that dirty connection
Like we need fresh water and food

So if you need a helping hand
Girl, I’ll be there, I’ll be the man
I’ll help you try to understand
Sex might help

Sex, whoa, hot steamy break the bed sex
with me in a fleabag motel might help.

March 5, 2018

Lyrics Notes: The inspiration is below…

Normal Christmas

Do you remember when Christmas was Christmas
with your brothers, sisters, Mom and Dad?
When you exchanged good wishes and presents
and the best family times ever were had?

When nobody had special dietary needs
and everybody wanted to be there?
When there wasn’t a single argument?
When we lived our lives without a care?

Then everybody got a little older
and moved away from their hometowns
You’ve gotta convince them to come home again
When they come in through the front door
they’re wearing frowns

Oh, whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
when everybody liked the fattening foods?
When everyone enjoyed the presents they got
and nobody was in a bad mood
No one at the gathering was an Athiest
and family members returned year after year
Whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
back when family and friends were sincere?

Because of that damned Global Warming
there’s hardly any sticking snow
Due to higher costs and lower wages
to the ski slopes, we cannot go

Tradition has been thrown out the window
Seems like nobody’s willing to compromise
And even if we get the clothes we want
we check the tags and they’re the wrong size

Oh, whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
when everyone couldn’t wait to gather again?
It was such an amazing time we had
Adults and children enjoyed it all back then
If there’s anyone who could give the gift
of better memories, we’ll cherish year after year
I’d ask for a calm and normal Christmas
that would fill everyone’s hearts with cheer

Oh, I’d ask for a calm and normal Christmas
that would fill everyone’s hearts with cheer.

Christmas, 2017.

She Murdered Me

We met through a personal advertisement
In a local entertainment publication
After a few dates she invited me to
Come with her on a two-week vacation

It was all inclusive at a resort in Mexico
And it included an overnight cruise
Little did I know on that boat
It was my life that I would lose

She murdered me
She murdered me
Had no idea it was coming
My death’s no mystery
She shot me with a pistol
As I was sleeping in my bed
She murdered me in cold blood
I’m here to tell you I’m dead

It was hard to adjust to letting go of life
Being a ghost is really fun yet weird
I don’t like when I try reaching out to people
And instead of welcomed, I’m feared

What I’ve noticed is she has said some lies
About what happened that crazy night
I didn’t threaten her or grab for a knife
We didn’t even have a violent fight

She murdered me
She murdered me
Had no idea it was coming
My death’s no mystery
She shot me with a pistol
As I was sleeping in my bed
She murdered me in cold blood
The proof is my lead-filled head

She murdered me
She murdered me
Had no idea it was coming
My death’s no mystery
She shot me with a pistol
As I was sleeping in my bed
She murdered me in cold blood
Don’t believe what she said
Don’t believe what she said
Don’t believe what she said
She wasn’t defending herself
I was asleep in bed

Oh, I was asleep in bed.

2017

When She Laughs at Me

We’re out on our date together
It’s a sweet Saturday night
She looks so marvelous
And all with us feels right

Then I think about everything
The intimacy and romance
We don’t have to cut a rug
But do when we get the chance

We might just talk in the backyard
Or take a small walk around the block
And I’m happier than I’ve hoped to be
But there’s nothing like how I feel
When she laughs at me
Oh, I love it dearly
when she laughs at me

It comes out at different times
I do something, and she cracks a smile
And immediately, I kick into gear
I’m her comedian for a while

I start telling my stories about the years
When I was a kid and goofed around
Then I throw in a clever punchline
And I hear that glorious sound

First, she’ll let out a little giggle
And I know what’s coming after that
She’ll say she doesn’t think it’s funny
When turn around my baseball hat
And start acting like the kid next door
Then I start really going into overdrive
It’s the best thing about being alive
When she laughs at me
Oh, I love it dearly
when she laughs at me.

2017

All I Need Now is the Fish (Here Fishy, Fishy, Fishy)

Out on this fishin’ boat this mornin’
Wearin’ this bright orange vest
Spent yesterday preparin’
Last night I got plenty of rest

Got my Ugly Stick rod and reel
My Folgers can is filled with bait
Just loaded my Eagle Claw hook
Cast my line, and now I wait

All I need now is the fish
You know the kind
The one who’s foolish enough
Cause it’s nearly blind
It can’t tell the difference
Between fake and real
A 3-pound bass would be ideal
Prayed to Jesus to grant my wish
All I need now is the fish
Here fishy, fishy, fishy…
All I need now is the fish

My wife’s back at the cabin
She hasn’t gotten up yet
I wanna cook her breakfast
One she’ll never forget

I look out to the sunrise
I’m hopin’ God will provide
Here fishy, fishy, fishy…
So delicious with biscuits & fried

All I need now is the fish
And I’ll be good to go
I’ll wait here patiently
With my thermos of hot Joe
I could bring home a Catfish
Or a big ol’ Rainbow Trout
Then I’ll pack it all up and I’ll be out
Please Jesus, won’t you grant me this wish –
So I can treat her with a special anniversary dish
Here fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy
All I need now is the fish.

2017

The Death of Me and You

I don’t want to get out of bed
All this sadness is in my head
I’m dehydrated and underfed
I’m mourning the death of me & you

The night I found you in the tub
After coming home from the pub
You sweetly asked for a backrub
I should have said, “Honey, I’d love to.”

There were things I should have done
To make your life easier, my dear
I deeply regret I got upset
When you wouldn’t fetch me a beer
I was too needy, I know that now
I should have honored my marriage vow
I realize I’ve been heartless ‘n lowbrow
‘cause you’re gone ‘n not coming back

I should have never blown my stack
Or all our savings at the racetrack
And crashed our brand-new Cadillac
‘cause I was too drunk to drive

The doctor said I’m lucky to be alive
but I don’t feel that way tonight
‘cause I keep thinkin’ of all the stinkin’
B.S. I put you through
I’m so sorry, my dear –
You did what you had to do
I’ll always and forever be
mourning the death of me & you.

2017

Lyric Notes: Usually, what I will do is go through a list of songs I need to write. This is not one of them. It’s total satire, but you know, it kinda makes sense. Listening to both John Prine & Jimmy Buffett, not to mention going through another “Weird Al” Yankovic and Tom Lehrer phase, I feel like I should be letting loose a bit more. This is my attempt at doing so.  Enjoy!