Porch Swing Date (Part 1)

They were both in Junior High School
She was a few months older than him
She lived in a small town called Aromas
She was Jenny and his name was Tim
Tim was living on a property off Vega Road
Not too far from her parents’ place
They met each other on the school bus
He was captivated by her angelic face

And one day he popped the question
He asked if she’d hang out with him one night
He said it could just be a porch swing date
They could just talk and watch the moonlight
It wasn’t up to her to accept his proposal
Jenny said he’d need to ask her Dad
He told her he was intimidated by him
She snapped back, “Come on, he’s not so bad!”

So Tim mustered up some courage that day
He rode his bike a few miles to Jenny’s house
But when Jenny’s opened the front door
Tim was as timid as a three legged mouse
Jenny’s Dad knew why Tim was there
Jenny already told him a boy was coming by
Tim was confused and pleasantly surprised
When Jenny’s Dad asked him to come inside

And they sat there eye to eye in the front room
Tim was scared as scared could be
He thought to himself “It’s not like I’m asking
For his permission, so she would marry me”
“I just would like to get to know your daughter, sir”
“I’d make sure she got home by her curfew.”
He smiled as he delivered his line to Tim,
Son, I’ve got a good feeling about you

So Tim and Jenny had their porch swing date
Tim felt luckier than he’d ever felt before
They sat and talked over Arnold Palmers
He bought for them at the General Store
It was an innocent time they were having
They didn’t have a care in the world
During their very first porch swing date
She found him funny and she liked that girl

February 11, 2018

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Doctor Demento Show


Dedicated to Barret Hansen

When I think I was about eleven or twelve years old
My brother got me hooked on the Doctor Demento show
I’d stay up Sunday Night just to hear funny songs
and I’d record them on cassette from the radio

He played songs like Dead Puppies and Wet Dream
Artists like Spike Jones and Weird Al reigned supreme
Tom Lehrer was the funniest songwriter I heard ever
His lyrics were original, biting, and very clever

Cheech & Chong did a parody called “Born In East LA”
Some of the most hilarious songs were about Christmas Day
He must have had so much fun being syndicated on Westwood One
Where he had an incredible & amazing fourteen-year run

The Doctor Demento show left the airwaves back in 2010
But you can still listen to it via subscription on the internet
It would make more sense to have him on Sirius XM
It would be very, very, very popular I bet

‘Cause all those loyal listeners who tuned in back then
Are still nostalgic for him, the show, and his voice
If I was the head of programming for that company
Giving him his very own channel would be my choice

Only he has the largest Novelty and Humor collection
Doctor D is the only person to consider & they should
If you asked me, who might save the world from insanity
I’d say Doctor Demento probably could

If you asked me, who might save the world from insanity
I’d say Doctor Demento probably could.

2017

Long Live Doctor Demento!!!!!

The Final Cut

I remember when I was in the seventh grade
And tried to make the cut for my school team
Basketball was in my blood, I believed
So I concentrated on my dream

I made sure I got my homework done early
So I could go outside to play across the street
With a friend who had talent and ambition
The game was in him from head to feet

As tryouts got closer
I deepened my focus
On the hoop and the ball
And not school
So when the teacher told me
I couldn’t play due
To poor grades
Man, I felt like a fool

Mom convinced them my grades would improve
“Just give him a chance,” she pleaded
So the teacher and the coach made the exception
And I was happy that they conceded

But the first day of practice
Coach Kelly ran me like a dog
Yelling “Move, Slowpoke!”
And I broke down, I admit
That night I had terrible cramps
I already knew I wasn’t fit

So I cut myself off before he could do it
The next practice I didn’t appear on the court
My friends said Coach Kelly asked about me
He wondered why I decided to abort

And I found my one and only sport
Tennis was in me the whole time
Every time I tried out for the High School team
The “cut bell” would never chime
So to those kids out there who didn’t make the final cut
Maybe you haven’t found your calling yet
Hang in there, keep dreaming and believing
As for the coach who cut you, forgive and forget.

1999

Stacie Miller

I can still smell the fragrance
The Rink used in the skates we wore
and see the joy on her face
as we glided on that parquet floor

They played Pac Man Fever
and other songs that were light & fun
I was twelve years old
and I thought she was the one

She had chestnut wavy hair
and was prettier to me than Demi Moore
We were too old for children’s games
and way too young to score

The year was 1981
and we were in the Sixth Grade
Her name was Stacie Miller
and she was cooler than the shade

She wore a plaid skirt all the time
’cause we were in Catholic school
The other boys teased me for liking her
as kids can be so cruel

I don’t remember how long it lasted
but we sure held hands a lot
Her name was Stacie Miller
and she was so damn hot

One day I was so mad at her
I called her a name I won’t repeat
When she dumped me that day
I felt such major defeat

The year was 1981
and we were in the Sixth Grade
Her name was Stacie Miller
She was cooler than the shade

Her name was Stacie Miller
and she was cooler than the shade.

2008

Moreland Notre Dame

I dreamed of fortune and fame
I had no sense of shame
I worked hard on my game
At Moreland Notre Dame

There was much I overcame
Cruel jokes about my name
My heart was set aflame
At Moreland Notre Dame

I still remember it all
Like it was yesterday
The incense, The cafeteria
What we kids would play
The ice cream treats were amazing
The clothes we wore were the same
I learned so many important lessons
At Moreland Notre Dame

Like I’ll never be that great at basketball
But I sure could make my friends laugh hard
My classmates were my brothers and sisters
We had so much fun in that schoolyard
My teachers were all so good to me
The class clown, the geeky pre-teen
I admit while defending myself
I had been quite mean
To some of the prettiest girls I had ever seen

I still remember those years
Like they were yesterday
The Music Room, St. Patrick’s Church
Are where we would sing and pray
The hamburgers were incredible
Each class picture is in a frame
I don’t think I’ll ever forget her
Dear Moreland Notre Dame

I don’t think I’ll ever forget her
Dear Moreland Notre Dame.

2017

This one took forever to write, but I think it captures my love of my experience at “good ol’ ND. This one is especially for my classmates – Class of 1983.

Cute Klutzy Girl

There she is
Walkin’ down the hall
She’s kinda shy
Also skinny & tall
She doesn’t know
I’ve liked her from afar
She’s the funniest girl I’ve ever known
And she writes songs on her guitar

Cute klutzy girl
She’s so awkward like me
I wonder if she walks home alone
And if she’s boyfriend-free
Cute klutzy girl
Her friends are brainy too
One day I’ll text her iPhone
And she if she likes me too
Cute klutzy girl
Oooooooooooo
Cute klutzy girl
Oooooooooooo
Cute klutzy girl
Oooooooooooo
One day I’ll text her iPhone
And see if she likes me too

We’re just kids
In the Seventh Grade
I don’t know why
I love her long braid
And her laugh
The way she trips all the time
I’ll carry all her books for her
Just so she would be mine

She likes to read and so do I
She has a cool bike and her socks are knee high
And those eyes, they’re brighter than the sun
When she replies, I hope she says I’m the one

Cute klutzy girl
She’s so awkward like me
I wonder if she walks home alone
And if she’s boyfriend-free
Cute klutzy girl
Her friends are brainy too
One day I’ll text her iPhone
And she if she likes me too
Cute klutzy girl
Oooooooooooo
Cute klutzy girl
Oooooooooooo
Cute klutzy girl
Oooooooooooo
One day I’ll text her iPhone
And see if she likes me too

2017

Lyric Inspiration: In the movie called “They Came Together” with Amy Poehler & Paul Rudd, they say that Amy’s character is called a “Cute, Klutzy Girl,” and I loved that. I knew girls like that, and they are everywhere. So where better to set this than the year my daughter Grace is in school?  I think it’s about 7th Grade and this boy has a crush- which, hmmmmm I went through all the time. It was surprisingly easy to write. A fun self-assignment. Disney, it’s your move. 🙂