Parents’ Home Date

The popcorn’s made, it’s in a white plastic bowl
It’s a home date, he’s gotta keep it under control
He’s gotta show her he cares, but stay kinda cool
but she’s already changed into a suit for the pool
He picked out a movie, she wants to go swimmin’
She’s flirty like a lot of older attractive women
He wonders if he’s too square ‘n he’s not her style
But somethin’ sparks inside him when she smiles

Her parents are out of town, it’s the perfect chance
for her to see if this guy is up for a horizontal dance
He knows a gentleman would likely take a stance
that he should focus on love, not a fast romance

He says he cares for her, he wants to take it slow
She says she’s in love with him ‘n lets him know
She’s not gonna bite him, or hurt his eager heart
Yet it’s not like they promised ’til death do they part
and he says OK, he changed into his tight swimsuit
In the meantime, she references a bamboo flute
He’s nervous as hell, ’cause her game is on fleek
Her arms are around his neck ‘n she kisses his cheek

Her lips are crimson ‘n soft now as they’re kissing hard
They’re getting hot ‘n heavy, maybe going too far
She’s really excited, purrin’ like a sports car
Lickin’ his chest ‘n neck, like he’s her ice cream bar

It kinda scares him a little, she’s so forward ‘n fun
She’s really experienced, yet he’s the chosen one
She could be with anyone, she’s the foxy kind
‘n he’s telling himself inside she’s out of her mind
Then they hear a familiar car pull up in the drive
It’s the scariest moment he’s had in his teenage life
But he isn’t stopping ‘n neither will she
It’s over before they know it ‘n they’re home free

They opened the front door, he went out the back gate
They say she should come inside, it’s getting so late
He texts her a message, he’ll pick her up around eight
‘n she’s thinking she’s found her long-lasting soulmate

She’s thinking she’s found
her long-lasting soulmate
on their passionate,
not so innocent,
sexy, fun-filled,
secret parents’ home date

September 18, 2018

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Maybe It’s Just My Boner

When I was younger than I am now
I’d get erections all the time
In classrooms and bathrooms
The feeling was very sublime

So it’s weird now that I’m older
‘Cause my dick doesn’t go up much these days
Even when I’m not attracted to the girl
it decides to go against my heart and raise

And as I dance real close
to a girl who I just met that night
I feel it slowly rising, she does too
Then I question if it’s really right

Maybe it’s love
or maybe it’s just my boner
playing tricks on me
Maybe it’s romance
or maybe it’s just my boner
on one big shopping spree
Maybe it’s telling me
she could be the one
but it also could just be implying
that it wants to be in her bun
I know I cannot ever be sure
Maybe it’s just my boner

Maybe it’s just my boner.

2003

Chocolate Covered Banana

Bartender, I’ve had a really rough week
The slopes here have been hard on me
I was wonderin’ if you could be so kind
to fix me one of the house specialties

I know you know how to make it
I’m sure you’ve done it before
And if you make it right for me
you will absolutely score

Give me a Chocolate Covered Banana
and baby, I don’t mean the drink
Cover it with extra syrup
Do it with a smile and a wink
Give me that Chocolate Covered Banana
It’s just what I need I think
It’s your Chocolate Covered Banana
Baby, I don’t mean the drink

I’ve come to this club several times
You know me very well
I love the way you comb your hair
and I’m turned on by how you smell

I love how you flirt with me
So I thought I call you on your bluff
Oh I know once I have it
I’ll never get enough

Give me a Chocolate Covered Banana
and baby, I don’t mean the drink
Cover it with extra syrup
Do it with a smile and a wink
Give me that Chocolate Covered Banana
It’s just what I need I think
Give me your Chocolate Covered Banana
Baby, I don’t mean the drink

Give me your Chocolate Covered Banana
Baby, I don’t mean the drink.

2009, Revised 2018

Sex Might Help

If you’re down on your luck
You just crashed your GMC truck
Yeah, then life might suck –
But sex might help

If someone special left you
And you don’t know what to do
Here’s a tip when you get blue
Hey, sex might help

Whether it’s tender
or a little rough
Or your partner
is sensitive or tough
It just might help your mood
in a Chevy on a back road
Sometimes all you need
is take a big ol’ creamy load
See, we need that dirty connection
Like we need fresh water and food

So if you need a helping hand
Girl, I’ll be there, I’ll be the man
Deep down I know you understand
Sex might help
You won’t find this advice on Yelp
Sex might help

Solo

Whether it’s tender
or a little rough
Or your partner
is sensitive or tough
It just might help your mood
in a Chevy on a back road
Sometimes all you need
is take in a big ol’ creamy load
See, we need that dirty connection
Like we need fresh water and food

So if you need a helping hand
Girl, I’ll be there, I’ll be the man
I’ll help you try to understand
Sex might help

Sex, whoa, hot steamy break the bed sex
with me in a fleabag motel might help.

March 5, 2018

Lyrics Notes: The inspiration is below…

Timberly

We met through my ex-girlfriend back in ’96
She had coffee colored eyes & blonde hair
And I never got to know her very well
Which to me, doesn’t seem very fair
My ex-girlfriend loved talking about her
She told me about her ex-fiance’ Mike
And she said they all were roommates
Then she expressed what it was like

Timberly
Had been engaged with that guy
Timberly
Broke it off and she told me why
Timberly
Found out that he was cheating
Timberly
Caught him in an elaborate lie

She logged in and checked his history
Found out he was a member of a site
Where he was meeting multiple girls
He took each one for drinks and a bite
So she thought she’d set a trap for him
She knew he would likely take the bait
Cause he wasn’t suspicious of motives
He just knew he met a woman named Kate

“Kate’ was my ex-girlfriend in a brunette wig
She dressed differently so he had no clue
They had planned a special night with him
Just to see what he decided he would do

Timberly
Got my ex-girlfriend to trick a guy she liked
Timberly
Found out he was into her and psyched
Timberly
Watched from behind the closet door
Timberly
Couldn’t keep it a secret anymore

She burst out of my girlfriend’s closet
She got all excited and wanted to play
She decided to join in on the action
Just to see if he’d be into a three-way
Well he saw her and started freaking out
He got on his clothes and out of there
She never heard from Mike again
And frankly, my friend, she didn’t care

Timberly
Moved away after I met my ex-girlfriend
Timberly
Got hired as a server and got to bartend
Timberly
Sent a email to me as she had things to say
Timberly
Was the one who told me my girlfriend was gay
Timberly
Thanks to you my dear, wherever you are
Timberly
I hope you end up to be a well-known star
Timberly
Thanks for telling me about her secret life
Timberly
Before we married and she became my wife

Timberly
Thanks for telling me about her secret life
Timberly
Before we married and she became my wife

2017

Lyrics Notes: I did meet a Timberly while I was dating a girl way back when, but this is one of those interesting things where I thought up a complete storyline that was far more cooler than the actual experience. Again, creative license with a name I kinda like and it stuck with me as one to use as a song based on a name.

Muddin’ With Me

I know you’re a rich chick and everything
Your Dad, he owns a bunch of real estate
And your Mom, well she looked at me funny
When I said to her I wanna take you on a date
Not to some fancy high-class restaurant
Or some romantic comedy you wanna see
I wanna go do somethin’ different with you
How ’bout you come muddin’ with me

You seem like the kinda girl who’d like it
It’s fun slidin’ all around in my truck
I could take you out where I go fishin’
and huntin’ doves, quail n’ duck
I know there’s a rebel in you somewhere
C’mon baby, give it a shot
I really like you a whole lot
It’s the best time you’ll have for free
Girl, please come muddin’ with me
Girl, please come muddin’ with me

I know you really wanna go
I see that twinkle in your eye
Though you’re still with him
He’s not you’re kinda guy
He’s not your kind, girl
He’s a wannabe redneck
I promise I’ll be gentle
You’ve got my word we won’t wreck

Your boyfriend, he don’t understand
the wild child you have inside
I think the best thing for you
Is come with me for a ride
Wear somethin’ you can get dirty
We’ll be gone until nightfall
Come muddin’ with me, girl
I know you’ll have a ball

‘Cause you seem like the girl who’d like it
It’s fun slidin’ all around in my truck
I could take you out where I go fishin’
and huntin’ doves, quail and duck
I know there’s a rebel in you somewhere
C’mon babe, give me a shot
I really like you a whole lot
It’s the best time you’ll have for free
Girl, please come muddin’ with me
Girl, please come muddin’ with me
Girl, please come muddin’ with me
Girl, please come muddin’ with me.

2017

Where Her Legs Begin

There’s a great big world right next to me
And I know you know what I’m talkin’ about
She cleans it every morning of the week
So it doesn’t smell like Rainbow Trout

And she loves it when I give it attention
She gets so happy and her smile’s so wide
It’s a special kind of feeling
Whenever I touch her way deep inside

Where her legs begin, It tastes like peaches
Where her legs begin, It’s a wonderful place
Where her legs begin, I found life’s meaning
Where her legs begin, It’s a quiet and safe space

I know for some there’s a certain stigma
They find theirs dirty and unclean
And there are all kinds of nicknames for it
Some of them are ok but most are mean

But my girl – Hers is quite unique
It’s the best I think I’ll ever see
I’ll describe it again best I can
So you hopefully will believe me

Where her legs begin, It’s better than Grandma’s Apple Pie
Where her legs begin, It tastes better than ice cream
Where her legs begin, Is where I found my special purpose
Where her legs begin is right out of my boyhood dream

Where her legs begin, It tastes like peaches
Where her legs begin, It’s a toasty fireplace
Where her legs begin, I found life’s meaning
Where her legs begin, It’s a quiet and safe space

Where her legs begin, is a toasty fireplace.

2017