Halloween in Haddonfield

Parents go out and leave their kids at home
With hot looking babysitters who mess around
Their boyfriends arrive when the kids are asleep
And they try not to make any big sounds

Maybe they decided to watch a scary movie
Maybe they’re drinkin’ beer n gettin” high
They’re likely dry humpin’ in the family room
They don’t know about the mad bad guy

Who’s got the white Captain Kirk mask on
And a butcher knife in his bloody hand
He’s been stalking them the past few days
It’s like a horrified wonderland
You already know why the killer’s there
His twisted motive has been revealed
You’re in suspense ’cause you’re watchin’
People gettin’ killed on
Halloween in Haddonfield

Yeah they’re all gonna die
On Halloween in Haddonfield.

October 10, 2018

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Smarter Than You

If you listen closely to these words
and the progressions being played
You will question your intelligence
and everything you’ve ever made

And at night you’ll lie awake
because you won’t fall asleep
And you may want to get rid of
the things you need to keep

This song
This song
This song
This song
This song is smarter than you

Why even try to outsmart these words
or detect the lesson being taught
Or go back in time to review
all the fights you’ve ever fought

And all the lies you believed
All the stories you’ve ever read
Won’t haunt you like this tune
You now can’t get outta your head

This song
This song
This song
This song
This song is smarter than you

Oh face the facts
and quietly relax
Don’t think about what you’ll do
but forget this song
This song
This song
This song
is smarter than you

But know it’s smarter
than me, too
Yeah, it’s smarter
than me, too.

August 19, 2018

Lyrics Notes: I am a big They Might Be Giants fan. I could hear John Linnell sing this one, for that voice was the one I heard as I wrote this one. The whole time the person is saying this song is smarter, but in the end, it’s smarter than everyone combined. It’s very narcissistic but it was fun to write.

Maybe It’s Just My Boner

When I was younger than I am now
I’d get erections all the time
In classrooms and bathrooms
The feeling was very sublime

So it’s weird now that I’m older
‘Cause my dick doesn’t go up much these days
Even when I’m not attracted to the girl
it decides to go against my heart and raise

And as I dance real close
to a girl who I just met that night
I feel it slowly rising, she does too
Then I question if it’s really right

Maybe it’s love
or maybe it’s just my boner
playing tricks on me
Maybe it’s romance
or maybe it’s just my boner
on one big shopping spree
Maybe it’s telling me
she could be the one
but it also could just be implying
that it wants to be in her bun
I know I cannot ever be sure
Maybe it’s just my boner

Maybe it’s just my boner.

2003

Preppy Coastal Town

Whenever she looks over to him, her lips part
And he’s thinkin’ bout his favorite go-kart
Instead of payin’ attention to her come-hither look
He’s hidin’ behind a NASCAR History book

She wants him to talk to her ‘bout his muscle car
And dreams together, they’ll go wide ‘n far
But he’s pining for the redhead in our class
He likes her crimson lipstick and her sass

It’s a typical love triangle in this preppy coastal town
where a girl’s expected to go to an Ivy League college
then graduate, meet a boy there and settle down
Where the young men follow in their father’s footsteps
They’ll buckle up, get good grades, pick a sport
Party, sow their oats, ‘n not be a Beta clown
Then find a proper girl from the big city
Who’ll say I do in a satin and lace wedding gown

But the boy’s not into all that, he’s a rebel with a plan
He’ll get a GED and get out outta here while he can
She doesn’t know he’s going into the Army infantry
I only know all this cause his best friend is me

I’ve liked the same girl I’ve known for quite a while
I like that she plays sports and has a country style
She doesn’t feel the same, she likes the quarterback
Little does she know a teacher’s had him in the sack

It’s a typical soap opera story in this preppy coastal town
Where a girl’s expected to go off to an Ivy League college
then graduate, meet a boy there and settle down
Where the young men follow in their father’s footsteps
They’ll buckle up, get good grades, graduate
Sow their oats, make some mistakes but rebound
Then marry, have an affair & divorce in their 40’s or 50’s
& end up with a fatty liver from all that Tanqueray & Royal Crown

They’ll all end up with fatty livers from Tanqueray & Royal Crown
In this scenic, messed-up, rich-rich, coastal preppy town.

March 1, 2018

#FAKEBLUES

My girlfriend – she walked out that door
and never looked back again
I’ve been itchin’ to write some songs
but I can’t seem to find a pen

Got a job last year I can’t stand
but it’s the best one I’ve ever had
My redemption is things happen to me
but none of it is half that bad

I got the #FAKEBLUES
I got the #FAKEBLUES
It’s all pretend
I’ve been on the mend
‘Cause I bought new shoes
May not know where I’m goin’
but I know I just won’t lose
Cause I’m makin’ a-livin’
Singin’ these #FAKEBLUES

My pickup truck’s got a flat tire
Mama never calls me right back
Daddy didn’t teach me a damn thing
and there’s so much stuff I lack

My children are kinda crazy
My day-job boss hates my guts
and Trump on @Twitter yesterday
called me a loser and a putz

I got the #FAKENEWS
I got the #FAKENEWS
I really don’t give a crap
if I lost my baseball cap
or if I have to pay my dues
My problems, they are minimal
since I stopped drinkin’ that booze
and started learnin’ to play guitar
so I could sing this real #FAKEBLUES

Real #FAKEBLUES
Real #FAKEBLUES
It’s somethin’ I choose
Singin’ these real #FAKEBLUES

Real #FAKEBLUES
Real #FAKEBLUES
I’m one with my muse
as I’m singin’ these #FAKEBLUES

January 19, 2018

Lyrics Notes: I was really inspired to write something because my wife and I saw Paul Thorn for the first time last night. This is kind of my second shot at writing something that I think he would enjoy or for that matter, someone else like Todd Snider. KPIG (Freedom, CA) is one of those stations that kind of is burned into my brain and this goes right along with what I could see KPIG playing. Enjoy

Normal Christmas

Do you remember when Christmas was Christmas
with your brothers, sisters, Mom and Dad?
When you exchanged good wishes and presents
and the best family times ever were had?

When nobody had special dietary needs
and everybody wanted to be there?
When there wasn’t a single argument?
When we lived our lives without a care?

Then everybody got a little older
and moved away from their hometowns
You’ve gotta convince them to come home again
When they come in through the front door
they’re wearing frowns

Oh, whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
when everybody liked the fattening foods?
When everyone enjoyed the presents they got
and nobody was in a bad mood
No one at the gathering was an Athiest
and family members returned year after year
Whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
back when family and friends were sincere?

Because of that damned Global Warming
there’s hardly any sticking snow
Due to higher costs and lower wages
to the ski slopes, we cannot go

Tradition has been thrown out the window
Seems like nobody’s willing to compromise
And even if we get the clothes we want
we check the tags and they’re the wrong size

Oh, whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
when everyone couldn’t wait to gather again?
It was such an amazing time we had
Adults and children enjoyed it all back then
If there’s anyone who could give the gift
of better memories, we’ll cherish year after year
I’d ask for a calm and normal Christmas
that would fill everyone’s hearts with cheer

Oh, I’d ask for a calm and normal Christmas
that would fill everyone’s hearts with cheer.

Christmas, 2017.

It May Have Been a Shithole (But It Was Home)

We lived on the other side of the tracks
Where the hookers spent all night on their backs
Where the hobos fell down through the cracks
Where I figured out what I was gonna do

Daddy, he worked out at the lumberyard
and Momma had a job as a prison guard
My siblings were mean – they called me a retard
and my ass was often purple and blue

It may have been a shithole but it was home
My parents, they did the best they could
When I felt I needed an adventure
The nearby junkyard I would roam
Oh, it may have been a shithole but it was home

I’d hang out with kids who were older than me
We were all like one big messed up family
My parents were too poor to own a TV
I’d get used books from the library book sale

We’d go to the Salvation Army for our clothes
Why we went through that, God only knows
When Daddy wasn’t at work, he’d compose
about the different things he went through in jail

And it may have been a shithole but it was home
My parents, they did the best they could
When I felt like I needed an adventure
The nearby junkyard, I would roam
Oh, it may have been a shithole but it was home

One fateful day my Daddy’s fortune was reversed
No longer did we all feel that we were cursed
The song we all thought was his worst
was picked up and recorded by a famous man

The royalties alone paid for a brand new place
The money we made put a smile on Momma’s face
Daddy taught us it’s not how fast you run the race
You just gotta stick to your guns and your plan

Well it may have been a shithole but it was home
and I don’t go back there as often as I should
I’m now on my own crazy adventure
and my doctor said I have Stockholm Syndrome
It may have been a shithole but it was home

Oh, it may have been a shithole but it was home.

2017