Maybe It’s Just My Boner

When I was younger than I am now
I’d get erections all the time
In classrooms and bathrooms
The feeling was very sublime

So it’s weird now that I’m older
‘Cause my dick doesn’t go up much these days
Even when I’m not attracted to the girl
it decides to go against my heart and raise

And as I dance real close
to a girl who I just met that night
I feel it slowly rising, she does too
Then I question if it’s really right

Maybe it’s love
or maybe it’s just my boner
playing tricks on me
Maybe it’s romance
or maybe it’s just my boner
on one big shopping spree
Maybe it’s telling me
she could be the one
but it also could just be implying
that it wants to be in her bun
I know I cannot ever be sure
Maybe it’s just my boner

Maybe it’s just my boner.

2003

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Preppy Coastal Town

Whenever she looks over to him, her lips part
And he’s thinkin’ bout his favorite go-kart
Instead of payin’ attention to her come-hither look
He’s hidin’ behind a NASCAR History book

She wants him to talk to her ‘bout his muscle car
And dreams together, they’ll go wide ‘n far
But he’s pining for the redhead in our class
He likes her crimson lipstick and her sass

It’s a typical love triangle in this preppy coastal town
where a girl’s expected to go to an Ivy League college
then graduate, meet a boy there and settle down
Where the young men follow in their father’s footsteps
They’ll buckle up, get good grades, pick a sport
Party, sow their oats, ‘n not be a Beta clown
Then find a proper girl from the big city
Who’ll say I do in a satin and lace wedding gown

But the boy’s not into all that, he’s a rebel with a plan
He’ll get a GED and get out outta here while he can
She doesn’t know he’s going into the Army infantry
I only know all this cause his best friend is me

I’ve liked the same girl I’ve known for quite a while
I like that she plays sports and has a country style
She doesn’t feel the same, she likes the quarterback
Little does she know a teacher’s had him in the sack

It’s a typical soap opera story in this preppy coastal town
Where a girl’s expected to go off to an Ivy League college
then graduate, meet a boy there and settle down
Where the young men follow in their father’s footsteps
They’ll buckle up, get good grades, graduate
Sow their oats, make some mistakes but rebound
Then marry, have an affair & divorce in their 40’s or 50’s
& end up with a fatty liver from all that Tanqueray & Royal Crown

They’ll all end up with fatty livers from Tanqueray & Royal Crown
In this scenic, messed-up, rich-rich, coastal preppy town.

March 1, 2018

#FAKEBLUES

My girlfriend – she walked out that door
and never looked back again
I’ve been itchin’ to write some songs
but I can’t seem to find a pen

Got a job last year I can’t stand
but it’s the best one I’ve ever had
My redemption is things happen to me
but none of it is half that bad

I got the #FAKEBLUES
I got the #FAKEBLUES
It’s all pretend
I’ve been on the mend
‘Cause I bought new shoes
May not know where I’m goin’
but I know I just won’t lose
Cause I’m makin’ a-livin’
Singin’ these #FAKEBLUES

My pickup truck’s got a flat tire
Mama never calls me right back
Daddy didn’t teach me a damn thing
and there’s so much stuff I lack

My children are kinda crazy
My day-job boss hates my guts
and Trump on @Twitter yesterday
called me a loser and a putz

I got the #FAKENEWS
I got the #FAKENEWS
I really don’t give a crap
if I lost my baseball cap
or if I have to pay my dues
My problems, they are minimal
since I stopped drinkin’ that booze
and started learnin’ to play guitar
so I could sing this real #FAKEBLUES

Real #FAKEBLUES
Real #FAKEBLUES
It’s somethin’ I choose
Singin’ these real #FAKEBLUES

Real #FAKEBLUES
Real #FAKEBLUES
I’m one with my muse
as I’m singin’ these #FAKEBLUES

January 19, 2018

Lyrics Notes: I was really inspired to write something because my wife and I saw Paul Thorn for the first time last night. This is kind of my second shot at writing something that I think he would enjoy or for that matter, someone else like Todd Snider. KPIG (Freedom, CA) is one of those stations that kind of is burned into my brain and this goes right along with what I could see KPIG playing. Enjoy

Normal Christmas

Do you remember when Christmas was Christmas
with your brothers, sisters, Mom and Dad?
When you exchanged good wishes and presents
and the best family times ever were had?

When nobody had special dietary needs
and everybody wanted to be there?
When there wasn’t a single argument?
When we lived our lives without a care?

Then everybody got a little older
and moved away from their hometowns
You’ve gotta convince them to come home again
When they come in through the front door
they’re wearing frowns

Oh, whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
when everybody liked the fattening foods?
When everyone enjoyed the presents they got
and nobody was in a bad mood
No one at the gathering was an Athiest
and family members returned year after year
Whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
back when family and friends were sincere?

Because of that damned Global Warming
there’s hardly any sticking snow
Due to higher costs and lower wages
to the ski slopes, we cannot go

Tradition has been thrown out the window
Seems like nobody’s willing to compromise
And even if we get the clothes we want
we check the tags and they’re the wrong size

Oh, whatever happened to having a normal Christmas
when everyone couldn’t wait to gather again?
It was such an amazing time we had
Adults and children enjoyed it all back then
If there’s anyone who could give the gift
of better memories, we’ll cherish year after year
I’d ask for a calm and normal Christmas
that would fill everyone’s hearts with cheer

Oh, I’d ask for a calm and normal Christmas
that would fill everyone’s hearts with cheer.

Christmas, 2017.

It May Have Been a Shithole (But It Was Home)

We lived on the other side of the tracks
Where the hookers spent all night on their backs
Where the hobos fell down through the cracks
Where I figured out what I was gonna do

Daddy, he worked out at the lumberyard
and Momma had a job as a prison guard
My siblings were mean – they called me a retard
and my ass was often purple and blue

It may have been a shithole but it was home
My parents, they did the best they could
When I felt I needed an adventure
The nearby junkyard I would roam
Oh, it may have been a shithole but it was home

I’d hang out with kids who were older than me
We were all like one big messed up family
My parents were too poor to own a TV
I’d get used books from the library book sale

We’d go to the Salvation Army for our clothes
Why we went through that, God only knows
When Daddy wasn’t at work, he’d compose
about the different things he went through in jail

And it may have been a shithole but it was home
My parents, they did the best they could
When I felt like I needed an adventure
The nearby junkyard, I would roam
Oh, it may have been a shithole but it was home

One fateful day my Daddy’s fortune was reversed
No longer did we all feel that we were cursed
The song we all thought was his worst
was picked up and recorded by a famous man

The royalties alone paid for a brand new place
The money we made put a smile on Momma’s face
Daddy taught us it’s not how fast you run the race
You just gotta stick to your guns and your plan

Well it may have been a shithole but it was home
and I don’t go back there as often as I should
I’m now on my own crazy adventure
and my doctor said I have Stockholm Syndrome
It may have been a shithole but it was home

Oh, it may have been a shithole but it was home.

2017

All My Reckless Habits

Bacon’s good on everything
and how I love a good steak
I’ll eat a big ol’ catfish
that I caught on the lake

Smokin’ helps me unwind
after a really rough day
Not everyone likes my lifestyle
and that is A-OK

All my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me
All my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me
You live your life
and I’ll live mine
Cause I feel like
I’m on cloud nine
Oh, all my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me

I love my wife’s cookin’
and a well-blended drink
I watch my teams on TV
and I love to sit & think

Life is for truly livin’
the way we all want to
So I choose to enjoy
Lite beer & barbeque

Life is fleeting
Life is precious
and we don’t have much time
So it’s my belief
to not feel grief
about the fact, I can’t climb
Others can do what they want
They can starve themselves
and act like total jerks
Meanwhile, I’ll be smiling
a big ol’ smile
as I eat my
cheeseburger with the works

All my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me
All my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me
You live your life
and I’ll live mine
cause I feel like I’m
on cloud nine
Oh, all my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me.

Oh, all my reckless habits
are gonna be the death of me.

2017

Lyric Notes: Satire, of course. Totally inspired by Jimmy Buffett. The cheeseburger line is a reference to his classic song, “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” Here’s to you and your career, Jimmy! Hope to meet up with you one day! I think it somewhat is inspired by a second songwriter… Paul Thorn. One of my favorite styles of music involves biting satire. Enjoy!

Our Family Rules

Our family rules
Our family rules
Your family drools
Cause our family rules

We sing songs in the car
About drinking beer
And if you don’t like us
We best get outta here

We’re loud and obnoxious
We fight and do drugs
We’re loyal like our dogs
We’re like a big ol band of thugs

Our family rules
Our family rules
Your family drools
Cause our family rules

We go huntin’ and fishin’
We have the same tattoo
It’s of a small skull and crossbones
We aren’t well to do

We just go town to town
And raise all kinds of heck
Campin’ and stealin’
And grillin’ out on our deck

We don’t know why you don’t like us
So it’s best we don’t care
You do your thing and we’ll do ours
We’ll soon be out of your hair

Our family rules
Our family rules
Your family drools
Cause our family rules

2016

Where Her Legs Begin

There’s a great big world right next to me
And I know you know what I’m talkin’ about
She cleans it every morning of the week
So it doesn’t smell like Rainbow Trout

And she loves it when I give it attention
She gets so happy and her smile’s so wide
It’s a special kind of feeling
Whenever I touch her way deep inside

Where her legs begin, It tastes like peaches
Where her legs begin, It’s a wonderful place
Where her legs begin, I found life’s meaning
Where her legs begin, It’s a quiet and safe space

I know for some there’s a certain stigma
They find theirs dirty and unclean
And there are all kinds of nicknames for it
Some of them are ok but most are mean

But my girl – Hers is quite unique
It’s the best I think I’ll ever see
I’ll describe it again best I can
So you hopefully will believe me

Where her legs begin, It’s better than Grandma’s Apple Pie
Where her legs begin, It tastes better than ice cream
Where her legs begin, Is where I found my special purpose
Where her legs begin is right out of my boyhood dream

Where her legs begin, It tastes like peaches
Where her legs begin, It’s a toasty fireplace
Where her legs begin, I found life’s meaning
Where her legs begin, It’s a quiet and safe space

Where her legs begin, is a toasty fireplace.

2017

She Murdered Me

We met through a personal advertisement
In a local entertainment publication
After a few dates she invited me to
Come with her on a two-week vacation

It was all inclusive at a resort in Mexico
And it included an overnight cruise
Little did I know on that boat
It was my life that I would lose

She murdered me
She murdered me
Had no idea it was coming
My death’s no mystery
She shot me with a pistol
As I was sleeping in my bed
She murdered me in cold blood
I’m here to tell you I’m dead

It was hard to adjust to letting go of life
Being a ghost is really fun yet weird
I don’t like when I try reaching out to people
And instead of welcomed, I’m feared

What I’ve noticed is she has said some lies
About what happened that crazy night
I didn’t threaten her or grab for a knife
We didn’t even have a violent fight

She murdered me
She murdered me
Had no idea it was coming
My death’s no mystery
She shot me with a pistol
As I was sleeping in my bed
She murdered me in cold blood
The proof is my lead-filled head

She murdered me
She murdered me
Had no idea it was coming
My death’s no mystery
She shot me with a pistol
As I was sleeping in my bed
She murdered me in cold blood
Don’t believe what she said
Don’t believe what she said
Don’t believe what she said
She wasn’t defending herself
I was asleep in bed

Oh, I was asleep in bed.

2017